Surviving Exile
by Anisky
Summary: A longer chaptered piece based on my vignette Finding Solace. Miranda enters high school, but change isn't always good.
1. First Impressions

Title: Surviving Exile  
  
Author: Anisky  
  
Summary: Based on my little "Finding Solace" vignette.  Lizzie and Miranda enter high school, and change isn't always good.   
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: Miranda, Gordo, Lizzie, Kate, etc all, do not belong to me.  They are the property of Disney Channel.  
  
Reviews: Yes please.  All flames will be put towards my annual campfire where I roast yummy marshmallows.  
  
  
Chapter 1: First Impressions  
  
  
I checked the mirror.  It was the first day of High School, and I couldn't wait! After all these years of waiting, it was finally here. I was a Freshman at High School.  I'd gotten up extra-early today to make sure that I looked great.  I know that this waking-up thing wouldn't last, but it wasn't old yet!  
  
I remember I was wearing plaid pants and a shirt that says, "I see dumb people."  I'd dyed my hair in rainbow colors, and pulled it back into a messy bun.  I decided that just **maybe** the leather bondage pants should wait until a little further into the school year and I'm not new anymore.  After all, I didn't want to give a bad first impression to my teachers.  I'm in mostly Honors this year, and hoping to start getting some higher grades.     
  
Checking to make sure that my foundation was on evenly, and my lipstick wasn't smudged, I was finally satisfied with my appearance.   I turned and grabbed my backpack, which was lighter than usual due to lack of books.  I knew that before long, though, it would be so heavy I'd be hunched over.  Gordo had told Lizzie and me all sort of horror stories about the amount of books you needed for each of your classes at high school.  
  
"I'm off to the bus stop, Mom," I called, swinging the backpack lightly onto my back.   
  
My mother was just getting up from bed.  She stuck her head out of her bedroom door.  Her hair was sticking straight up, and her eyes were barely opened.  "Alright, dear.  Did you have breakfast?" she yelled back.  
  
"Yeah," I lied, rushing for the door and grabbing some money for lunch.  It's never a bad idea to limit your calorie intake a little bit.  "I'll see you after school!"    
  
"Alright dear! Tell me how it goes!" My mom called one last time before I left. She shut her bedroom door again, presumably to go back to sleep.  
  
…And I was out the door, ready to charge right into the first day of the rest of my life.  If only I'd known, I might not have been so excited.   
  
Oh well.  No use regretting now.  
  
  
***  
  
High school was definitely a lot _bigger_ than middle school.  All around me were people whom I didn't know, from different middle schools all over.  Okay, well, technically only three middle schools fed into this one, but it felt like a lot more.  
  
I searched for that familiar blonde-and-red flash of hair that was trademark Lizzie, feeling increasingly lost by the moment.  Finally, I heard her voice pipe up from behind me.    
  
"Oh, yeah, I am _so_ psyched.  This year is going to be awesome."  
  
I spin around and there are Gordo and Lizzie, speaking to a strange girl whom I'd never seen before.  Gordo's arms were around Lizzie, and I suddenly felt my heart drop in my chest.  I mean, I known they'd gotten together, but it still felt weird to see them standing there, looking so…well, couple-ish.    
  
Trying to tell myself that the sick feeling in my stomach was just because it was strange to see my two best friends dating, I made my way over to them.  "Hey Lizzie, Gordo!  I was looking for you guys!"  
  
"Oh, hey Miranda!" said Lizzie.  "Miranda, meet Jenna…I just ran into her and we started talking.  She's really cool.  Jenna, this is Miranda, one of my best friends."  Lizzie flashed her friendly smile and suddenly that pit in my stomach was gone.  This was just the same old Lizzie, my best friend forever.  
  
"Hey Jenna," I said, looking her over.  Her hair was what was described as "hair-colored hair" in a Madeleine L'Engle novel I'd read over the summer: too light to be brown, too dark to be blonde.  She was dressed pretty typically for a teenage girl: jeans, a nice sweater, straight hair, and a little too much makeup.    
  
"Hello," she said, eyeing me, looking a bit disapproving.  "Nice shirt," she added in a snobbish tone.  I shrugged it off; who really cared what she thought?  I _liked_ my shirt, I didn't care what anybody thought.    
  
"It is a bit mean, Miranda," agreed Lizzie.   
  
"Oh, come on," I rolled my eyes.  "It's just a shirt. Let's drop it."  (OK, make that I didn't care what ALMOST anybody thought.  Maybe I should have chosen a different outfit? Maybe it wasn't the best choice?)  I looked for a different subject.  "What classes do you have?"  
  
Lizzie took out her schedule, handing it to me.  I took out mine too and my shoulders sagged.  "We don't have _anything _together!" I exclaimed.  "Not even the same lunch! This is so not fair!"   
  
"That stinks," agreed Lizzie, taking back her schedule and snuggling a little into Gordo's arms.  
  
Why did I suddenly feel like strangling Gordo?  
  
Oh…I'm just bummed about the classes thing.  Yeah.  That's it.    
  
"Oh, hey, Miranda, I almost forgot," exclaimed Lizzie suddenly.  She dug into her bag and pulled out a bag of home made chocolate chip cookies.  "My mom made these for me to celebrate my first day of high school.  Want one?"   
  
"Sure! I love you mom's cookies," I replied, taking one and nibbling it slightly, then grinned.  "I like to make them last."  
  
The bell rang, and we all scattered to our various classes.  On my way to the room I threw out Lizzie's cookie into the trash, spitting out that part that I'd nibbled.    
  
My first class was Honors English, and I uncomfortably settled between a complete stranger (female) and some girl I vaguely knew from the middle school.  To my dismay, Kate sat with a smirk at the back of the class, Claire to one side of her and several drooling guys sitting around her.    
  
"Hey, Miranda," Kate called with a vicious smile.  "Why are you here? This is supposed to be a _Loser-_free zone."   
  
"Shut up, Kate," I called back.    
  
"Oh!" she said dramatically, putting a hand to her forehead.  "Shut up! How original! I'm so crushed! I'll never get over it, Miranda Loser-chez told me to shut up!"  
  
The class laughed.  I turned red and turned forward in my seat, trying not to notice the way both girls next to me were trying to edge away from me, hoping that the teacher would come in soon, hearing the laughing voices of the Beautiful People behind me.  
  
It was just about then that I realized that it was going to be a _very_ long year.    


	2. First Faltering Steps

Title: Surviving Exile  
  
Author: Anisky  
  
Summary: Based on my little "Finding Solace" vignette. Lizzie and Miranda enter high school, and change isn't always good.   
  
Rating: PG-13 (so far) For cursing and sexual themes  
  
Disclaimer: Miranda, Gordo, Lizzie, Kate, etc all, do not belong to me. They are the property of Disney Channel.  
  
Reviews: Yes please. All flames will be put towards my annual campfire where I roast yummy marshmallows.

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update… very busy year.  I have the whole summer now though!  And **I**, unlike Miranda, am never going to have to go to school again.  That's right, I'm done 10th grade and this teenage writer is "dropping out"!!! Leave your congrats in the reviews please. J  
  
  
Chapter 2: First Faltering Steps  
  
  
I edged into the school cafeteria, eyeing everybody and trying to figure out where to sit.  My generic school lunch slop with a milk carton was almost knocked over as several Juniors pushed by me and I fell into a (mercifully empty) table.  I straightened quickly, brushing off my pants and checking to make sure that the Mystery Meat didn't stain my shirt.  
  
So the eternal question: Where to eat lunch when Lizzie and Gordo aren't here?  Should I go with strangers or my "acquaintances" from middle school?  
  
I strolled around the cafeteria slowly, trying to make it look like I knew where I was going.  It was only the first day and already the cafeteria was firmly divided into the Cheerleaders, the Jocks, the Thespians, the Art Freaks, the Druggies, the Nerds…  
  
I didn't belong to any groups in middle school, and it really never bothered me.  I had two great friends, that was more than almost anyone else had.  Heck, **Kate** admitted that she was jealous of my friendship with Lizzie and Gordo.  Yeah.  I'm in good shape.  I lifted my head and strode to—  
  
oh yeah.  Great friends don't do much good if they're not _here_.    
  
"Hey! Dumb People-Girl!" I heard a voice call from behind me.  "You with the rainbow hair?"  
  
I spun around, looking back and forth for the source of the voice. "Oy! Over here!"  I saw a guy waving to me.  He had spiked hair, baggy pants, a ripped shirt, and a smirk on his face.  The people around him were all dressed the same way, except the girls were all in black, down to the lipstick and nail polish.  There was, however, room at his table, so I cautiously approached.  "Yes?"  
  
"You looked lost.   Need a place to chill?"  He smiled at me.  It wasn't a reassuring smile though.  It actually scared me a little.  
  
"Sure," I said with a grin, sliding into the empty seat.  "So, where are you guys from?"    
  
One of the Wednesday Addams girls giggled, but just like Spiked-Hair's laugh, it was most scary than cute or mirthful.    
  
"Ah, so you're the fresh meat, huh?" another one of the guys asked, leering at me.  I shifted, feeling a little uncomfortable.   
  
"Huh?" I asked, feeling stupid.    
  
He rolled his eyes.  "A freshman."  
  
"Oh.  Right."  I nodded.  Feeling extremely awkward, I picked up my plastic fork and started picking at the Mystery Meat, hoping that nobody would try to talk to me.    
  
"Hey Loser-chez!" I heard the evilly perky voice from behind me.  Dammit.  I sunk lower into my seat, hoping she'd just go away.  No such luck; Kate strode right up to the table with a smirk on her face.    
  
"So," she said, tossing her hair as all her groupies formed in a pattern around her, just as if they were in the middle of a cheer, "Loser-chez has been here half a day and _already_ is joining the freaks.  I can't say I'm surprised, it's not like anybody_ else _would welcome a little nothing like you."    
  
I stood up and glared at Kate.  "If I'm such a nothing, Kate, then why are you talking to me?  You know what they say about people who talk to nothing.  Maybe they should lock you up in a mental hospital."    
  
Kate snorted (but somehow managed to make it graceful), and all her little cheerleader friends tittered around her.  "That is just about the lamest thing I've _ever _heard," she said scornfully.  With one final flip of her hair, she spun and stalked off to the Cheerleader table.  
  
"Bitch," I muttered as I sat back down, feeling drained.  The upside was that all of the people around me were looking kind of sympathetic.   
  
"They got 'em in every grade," said one of the girls.  She had extremely short—like, buzz cut short—black hair and was wearing a baggy black shirt.   "You just have to learn to ignore them is all.  I'm Jessie," she added her name almost as an afterthought.    
  
"Miranda," I told her, playing with the fork.    
  
"Well, Miranda, I think you're okay," she told me with a smile.  This smile was warm.  I smiled back.  Maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all.    
  
The lunch bell rang and I jumped in surprise, spilling my milk on my shirt.  "Dammit," I exclaimed, stealing napkins from Joey's tray as Jessie laughed at me.  When I was done cleaning up I waved goodbye to my new friends and started for the door.   Once I was out of the crowd and into the hallway, I checked my schedule for the next class.  Biology, room 128.  All the way on the other end of the school.  Just my luck.    
  
I was about five minutes late by the time I got across the school and actually found the classroom.  It didn't matter; the teacher wasn't there yet either.  Kate, however, was.  Damn, was that girl going to follow me everywhere this year?  Judging from her behavior so far she wouldn't be willing to just ignore each other, either.  It looked like it was going to be a long year.    
  
I lit up when I saw that Gordo was in the class as well, and slid into a seat behind him, tapping his shoulder.  "Hey Gordo.  How's it going?"  
  
"Miranda!" he exclaimed.  "Wow, I haven't seen you all summer! Well, besides this morning, I mean.  You look really different."  
  
"So do you!" I responded, grinning widely.  I'd really missed him.  "Your hair is all… long! Wow."  
  
"At least it's not rainbow!" he told me, grabbing a piece of orange hair and pulling on it.    
  
I glared at him, crossing my arms, feeling kind of hurt.  "_What's_ wrong with rainbow hair?"   
  
"Uh, nothing, Miranda, I was just kidding around," he said, looking alarmed.  "Don't be so sensitive."  
  
Great, now I'm too sensitive.  This day is really going well.  I was about to ask him how Lizzie was when the teacher came in and everybody quieted down as she began the same monologue as every other teacher had been given all day… you're in high school now… you're in honors… we won't baby-sit you… you're getting tons of work… no easy A's.  Blah, blah, blah.  It was the same for every class.    
  
Finally, after another three hours, the school day was over.  I plunked down on a seat in the bus, putting my head down.  This was not exactly how I envisioned the first day of high school.  Sure, I made some new friends, but when would I see Lizzie?  I knew she wouldn't like the group I'd sat with at lunch.  Maybe I wouldn't even end up friends with them.  They're all sophomores, after all, and I'm just lousy Fresh Meat.  Plus, for all the classes I didn't have with Lizzie, I had plenty of them with Kate, and she seemed determined to make me miserable.    
  
(Oh, cheer up, Miranda.  You got to see Lizzie and Gordo again, and things always get better.)  
  
(Yeah.  Sure.  I'll just keep telling myself that.)  
  
I was sitting at home, nibbling at some pretzels, when the phone rang.  I looked at the caller ID; it was Lizzie! I picked up the phone eagerly.  "Hey Lizzie!" I exclaimed.  "What's up?"  
  
"Miranda!" I could practically hear Lizzie grinning on the other end.  She's so cheerful, it always makes the day seem brighter.  I couldn't remain sad while talking to her.  "Gordo and me and a couple other people we met today are going to the digital bean.  You interested?"  
  
"Of course! I'm really bored.  When are you going?"  I twirled the phone cord around my finger.    
  
"We'll come by and pick you up in about ten minutes okay? Great! I really think you'll like the people we met today, Miranda.  This'll be fun!" She squealed and hung up before I could say anything.  My lips quirked into a small smile as I shook my head in amusement, gently setting the phone on the hook.  Lizzie was such a pure soul.  She was always happy, and nice, and playful.  She always had a smile on those perfectly-shaped lips, pink and sweet and perfect for kissing…  
  
Whoa there Miranda!!! Hold the trains!! What the hell am I thinking? Lizzie's lips, kissable? Right.  I think I'm just a little depressed about how the school day went is all.  I'm letting Kate get to me, can't do that.  Concentrate on something else.  Joey.  The guy I met at school.  All punk, with a nose ring and everything, but still really cute.  I have a crush on him.  Yes, he's cute and was actually surprisingly nice.  Of course I'd get a crush on him.    
  
The doorbell rang, breaking me from my reverie.  I opened the door and smiled when I saw Lizzie there.  My mom was out, so I just closed the door behind me and grinned at her.  "I'm ready to go!"  
  
She smiled back at me.  "I miss you, Miranda," she said, her soulful blue eyes looking into mine like two pools of…  
  
_Joey_.  Think of Joey.  He's cute.  Yes.  Um…  
  
"Miranda? You okay?" Lizzie looked concerned.  I smiled at her.   
  
"I'm fine.  Sorry, just thinking.  I really missed you too.  I'm glad we're doing something tonight."  I grabbed her hand and squeezed it.  
  
A spark of electricity seemed to run through me.  I quickly let her hand go and started walking for the car, waving at Gordo and some girl I don't know.  I still had time to turn this day around, and by God that's what I'd do!    


	3. Vestiges

Title: Surviving Exile

Author: Anisky

Summary: Based on my little "Finding Solace" vignette. Lizzie and Miranda enter high school, and change isn't always good.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Miranda, Gordo, Lizzie, Kate, etc all, do not belong to me. They are the property of Disney Channel.

Reviews: Yes please. All flames will be put towards my annual campfire where I roast yummy marshmallows.

NOTE: This chapter, and subsequent chapters, will involve reference to eating disorders. I DO NOT CONDONE THEM in any way; they are horrible diseases that should be avoided at all costs.

Chapter 3: Vestiges

The car ride over to the Digital Bean was awkward. I was stuck in the front seat, next to Gordo's father, while Lizzie, Gordo and the other girl giggled in the back.

"So, Chelsea," Lizzie announced brightly, "this is my best friend, Miranda. Miranda, this is Chelsea."

I twisted to look back at the girl. Her hair was a wavy dark red, with brown eyes. She looked preppy in her button-down shirt and khaki skirt. I was uncomfortably aware that it was I who looked like an outsider in this group.

"What are you looking at?" Chelsea asked nervously.

I realized that I'd been staring, and blushed. "Nothing. Sorry." I turned around and faced forward, face red and hot.

"Miranda spent the summer in Mexico," Lizzie told Chelsea. It sounded oddly like an explanation. "She only got back a few days ago."

"Yeah?" Chelsea sounded insincerely interested. "How was that?"

"Hot," I answered shortly, staring out of the window as I tried to improve my mood. It had been a bad day, but that was no reason to give a bad impression to potential friends. Yet the annoyance that was welled up in me wouldn't go away. I watched the nice upper-middle class houses zoom by as I tried to think of something else to say. "It was depressing, actually. It was very polluted."

Glancing in the rearview mirror, I caught a glimpse of Lizzie. She looked uncomfortable. I felt a rush of guilt.

"Oh," replied Chelsea. "I liked Mexico. I went to Cancun, though."

With Lizzie's feelings in mind, I managed to stifle my snort.

After uncomfortable silence and shallow conversation in which I did not participate, we finally arrived at the Digital Bean. I was nervous again, and told myself to be nice, to make a good impression. I forced a smile as I walked in behind of Lizzie.

She and Gordo led me to a table with two girls and two guys. All of them, unfortunately, appeared preppy or popular to me. Then again, I'd have thought that Lizzie was too, so maybe I should have given them a chance. I wished fervently that I'd at least changed my shirt. Alas, the offending article was the same now as it had been this morning.

"Now Miranda," chirped Lizzie as we arrived at the table, "This is Mark, Andrew, Michelle, and Gina." She pointed at each in their turn. Mark and Michelle waved, and Andrew smiled at me. Gina, however, looked at me as though I were something foul she'd discovered on her shoe. I fought the urge to shift uncomfortably, and settled for smiling awkwardly. "They were all friends at Jeffeson," Lizzie continued, unaware of my discomfort. "Everyone, this is Miranda."

An awkward wave this time from Yours Truly as we sat down.

"Did you go to Jefferson, too, Chelsea?" I asked lightly.

"No, I'm actually from Boston," replied Chelsea. "I just moved this year."

"Oh," I said. "Cool."

After a pause, Michelle said, "I have English with you. Kate sure hates you."

"Yeah, well, none of us get along very well with Kate Sanders," I said dryly.

Lizzie and Gordo shared a look, but I wasn't sure what it meant.

"What's with your hair?" Gina asked bluntly.

I fingered the offending locks. "Well," I flatered, "I thought it would look cool. It was supposed to wash out by now." I'd added the last part. It was a lie.

Gina looked me up and down and sneered.

"Let's get drinks!" exclaimed Lizzie, breaking the tension. "I'll order. What does everyone want?"

I kept quiet as everyone spoke. Finally Lizzie turned to me.

"Nothing," I fought the urge to mumble and tried to sound perky instead. "I forgot to bring money."

"I'll lend it to you," she offered, but I shook my head. She shrugged and headed for the counter. I shifted and felt my stomach knot up without Lizzie as a buffer between me and the wolves.

Everyone else began talking about their day in High School. I remained silent and listened to everyone else. Who knows, I told myself, I might even get ideas for how to make friends from what they said.

Lizzie bounced back to the table. "Orders in!" she exclaimed. She sat between Gordo and me, and leaned over. Her breath as she whispered in my ear tickled it gently. Goosebumps rose on my arks. "Miranda," she whispered, "is something wrong?"

"Bad day," I hissed back. She nodded and looked sympathetic.

I tried to perk up, I really did, but I didn't see any way to contribute to the conversation without whining. I spent almost an hour sitting there, looking at my hands, faking a laugh when everyone else laughed. Lizzie shot concerned glances at me all evening, and Gina kept scowling. Any time I tried to contribute to the conversation I just felt like an outsider. While this was somewhat natural given the circumstances, Gordo, Lizzie, and Chelsea didn't seem to be having similar problems.

I was relieved when Gordo's dad came to pick us up. I wished that Chelsea weren't coming with us; there would be no time when I could just talk to Lizzie and Gordo.

I got home before my parents, as I'd figured. I hadn't eaten that any day besides a tiny bit of cookie that morning and a few sips of skim milk for lunch, so I went over to the refrigerator and opened it to look it. 'I won't eat anything,' I told myself. 'I'll just look.'

I gazed over the food in the refrigerator, and my eyes fell onto the leftover pizza from last night. There were four pieces. "I'll just have half of one," I said aloud, and took out the container, carefully cutting one of the slices exactly in half and woofing it down. I frowned and wanted more.

I took the other half and told myself, 'I had a really bad day, I deserve some indulgence.' I kept eating, feeling a little better with each bite, until I looked down and realized that all four slices of pizza were gone.

"Shit!" I cried out loud, stepping back from the counter. I threw the tin foil into the trash, and stood there, unsure of what to do, feeling myself starting to panic.

Calories, calories, _calories_ were sitting there, in my stomach. Any comfort that had come from eating the pizza was gone with that realization. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for several long moments. I could see myself expanding in the mirror, getting _fat_.

I grabbed by toothbrush and leaned over the toilet, shoving the toothbrush far down my throat until I could feel the food rising back up my throat. I gagged several times, hacked and finally threw up horribly. Everything I'd eaten came back up, and I kept dry heaving until there was blood in the toilet.

I stood up and flushed the toilet, then took the tooth brush I'd just shoved down my throat. I rinsed it off, put on toothpaste, and brushed my teeth. I washed myself and looked at my face. I looked okay. I felt better, too. The calories were all gone. Health classes always warned us how dangerous it was, but this was only a one time thing. I'd never done it before. Anyway, I felt perfectly fine. Better than fine; for the first time all day I felt great!

It was only nine o'clock, but I didn't have anything else to do that night, and I felt tired. I pulled on my pajamas and crawled into bed, praying that tomorrow would be better, tomorrow everything would be okay and I'd meet new friends and I would get a handle on everything.


	4. Breaking Me

Title: Surviving Exile

Author: Anisky

Summary: Based on my little "Finding Solace" vignette. Lizzie and Miranda enter high school, and change isn't always good.

Rating: PG-13 (so far) For cursing, eating disorders and sexual/lesbian themes

Disclaimer: Miranda, Gordo, Lizzie, Kate, etc all, do not belong to me. They are the property of Disney Channel.

Reviews: Yes please. All flames will be put towards my annual campfire where I roast yummy marshmallows.

A/N: Man, what is it with me and this fic? I seem to update it once a year… literally. I forget about it and think it's abandoned and then suddenly I get the urge to write another chapter. In this fic, Miranda does not have a little sister. If Disney can be random and mess up chronology, then I can ignore the object of their inconsistencies. Anyway, as in the last chapter, I do not condone or promote eating disorders in any way. On the flip side, I don't condemn homosexuality in any way. It will pick up next chapter. The groundwork just needed to be laid, and from here on in. I actually feel like I'm going to continue it soon this time, too.

Chapter 4: Breaking Me

I woke up the next morning, and for a moment I almost managed to convince myself that yesterday had just been some horrible nightmare and today was actually the first day of high school.

I glanced at my watch and saw that it was, indeed, Wednesday, September 6th. Yesterday had been the first day of school.

I muttered a curse under my breath. I'd woken up before my alarm, probably because I had gone to bed so early the day before. I had plenty of time to get ready for school.

It's not surprising, though, that I couldn't really bring myself to feel much excitement about it. I'd only been in high school for one day, and already I couldn't wait for it to be over. I groaned and pulled my covers over my head, snuggling deeper into the bed.

_No,_ I told myself firmly, and forced myself to get out of bed. _You are not going to give up that easily. _

I stared at myself in the mirror, pajama-clad with morning hair, and gave myself a mental pep talk.

_I can pretend that yesterday _was_ just a nightmare, _I insisted to myself. _One day won't do anything. Bad first impressions aren't the end of the world, and anyway, there are plenty of people who you didn't even meet yesterday. One day won't break you. There is still time to turn things around. Lizzie probably won't even stay friends with this people for very long. It always takes a while to settle into high school. _

That sounded pretty good, and so I managed to talk the pit in my stomach into submission. That decided, I cast a more critical eye to myself in the mirror, turning to one side and then to the other.

Well, I decided, I was too fat. A more serious diet was definitely on the agenda.

But that wasn't something that I could change right now. I would eat less, but it took time for weight to come off, so in the meantime I should concentrate on what I _could _control. I would not make the same mistake as yesterday. I wouldn't wear anything objectionable today.

I thought about dying my hair back to its original blackish, but I didn't have any hair dye and didn't have a way of getting it before school today.

Jeans. Those were always safe, right? Tons of girls yesterday were wearing jeans. I chose a nice pair without any holes.

I searched through my closet for a good shirt. What would Lizzie wear? I eventually pulled out a cute cropped green shirt, sleeveless but covering my shoulders, so it should fit the dress code. I slipped it on and considered myself in the mirror. I topped it off with cute shoes I'd bought at the end of last year while shopping in the mall with Lizzie. I was still fat, but really, not too bad.

I couldn't think of anything to do with my hair, so eventually I just tied it back into a ponytail, hoping it would hide some of the colors. It didn't really but there was nothing else I could do. I spent about an hour on my makeup, putting on eye shadow and deciding it looked bad and removing it and trying again, repeat with lipstick, eyeliner, and foundation.

I ran out the door, calling a quick goodbye to my mother to avoid her so that she wouldn't ask if I'd eaten breakfast. I was early to the bus stop and had to wait for almost twenty minutes. I couldn't stop fidgeting as I stood there awkwardly on the corner. Yesterday had just been so horrible.

I wished desperately that I could hide and just scrap the whole high school thing.

_Oh, grow a spine, Sanchez! _I scolded myself. _Stop being such a baby. You're in high school now. _

When the bus finally came, I slipped into a seat alone and just stared out the window the whole way.

I didn't manage to find Lizzie that morning before classes started. I lingered in the entrance hoping to find her for so long that I left myself barely enough time to run to my English class.

I was the last one to arrive (except for the teacher), and there were only two empty desks left. One of them was right in front of Claire, to the front right of Kate, and the other one was in the dead front and center of the class. I saw Michelle sitting in the middle of the room, but she wasn't looking towards me.

I put my head down and slipped into the front seat quickly, keeping my head down and praying that Kate would just leave me alone.

She was too busy flirting with the guy sitting next to her, and I was mercifully spared from her barbs since the teacher walked in soon after I did.

My other morning classes similarly passed without anything horrible, and though there wasn't much good either, I at least held out some hope that today would be better than yesterday.

Until, of course, lunch.

I bought food by sheer force of habit, because that was what I was supposed to do with my lunch money. It was only afterwards that I stared down at the tray dumbly, wondering why I had it.

I looked desperately around the lunchroom in hope that somebody who hadn't occurred to me yesterday would be sitting somewhere.

Nope.

I sighed and decided to head over to the table with Jessie, Joey, and the others I met yesterday. I'd never found out their names. They were the "weirdoes", but it was marginally better than sitting alone.

On the way towards their table I saw Kate and her friends near me. I tried to walk around the other way to avoid them, but I was already too near, and I found myself unexpectedly bumping into Kate, hard. Much too hard for it to have been a mere accident. My lunch tray fell to the floor, clattering as all the food flew off in various directions. Several heads turned our way as I flushed red.

"Look where you're going!" She wrinkled her nose and jumped back to avoid the fries hitting her shoe.

"You did that on purpose!" I exclaimed angrily, glaring at her and folding my arms. The people sitting near us looked on in interest.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't blame your clumsiness on me, Loser-chez."

It wasn't even a _clever_ insult, but all the girls around her tittered, and I just glowered as I bent over to put the dirtied food back on the tray. They were gone by the time I stood up, and I headed over to the trashcan to throw everything away.

At least, I thought glumly, that solved the problem of what to do with the food.

I still had time to kill at lunch, so I decided to head to that table again.

"Hey, it's the fresh meat girl," one of the guys whose name I didn't know said jokingly as I sat down.

I searched for something witty to say in response by couldn't come up with anything, so just said "Hey" lamely in response.

"I saw that cheerleader girl bothering you again," Jessie said.

"Yeah," was all I could think of to say.

"Want some of my lunch?" she offered, but I just shook my head.

"No thanks."

My stomach grumbled loudly, and I hoped they didn't hear it.

We sat there a moment, until I decided to break the ice and say, "So I didn't get all your names last time—would you mind?"

"Not at all," Joey told me with a smile. "I'm Joey," he pointed to himself, "Jessie," pointed to her, "Cassie, Eli, Will, and Mike," he pointed at two girls and then two guys in that order. The one who had called me 'fresh meat' was Will.

"Hi," I tried to smile.

"You're Miranda, right?" Jessie asked.

"Right," I said.

"You're toned down today," Eli noted.

"I didn't want to make any more enemies than I already have," I told her.

"You look boring," Joey told me. "It doesn't suit you. You're not a boring person."

"How do you know?" I asked him, nevertheless feeling gratified at the unexpected compliment. "You don't know me."

"I can tell," he said with a smile.

I tried to conjure up a crush on him, yet for some reason I just didn't have interest.

I remembered the fun, happy lunches outside in middle school with Lizzie, and missed them.

_How ironic,_ I thought, _I never thought I'd miss middle school. _

Yet I did, desperately. Or rather, I missed Lizzie.

I could at least look forward to seeing Gordo next period in Biology, though for some reason I felt oddly sour at the thought.

As I got to the Biology room and stepped in, I wondered for a brief moment if I had become psychic, because there was Gordo, speaking to Kate and looking as though he actually wanted to be.

I shot him a confused and somewhat angry look, and stalked to the back of the classroom, sitting in a desk far away from everybody.

Gordo came over quickly. "Miranda," he began, but the bell rang just then and he had to turn around as the teacher yelled for the class to pay attention.

"I'll talk to you after school, okay?" he said when the class ended as we filed into the hallway.

I shrugged, still hurt, fuming that one of my best friends would be talking so cheerfully to the girl who had slammed into me an hour ago and been terrorizing me.

The rest of my classes were uneventful, which the way things were going was probably a good thing. Unfortunately the teachers had all seemed to decide that since it officially wasn't the first day anymore, it was time to start piling endless amounts of homework on us. I tried to look open and friendly in between all of my classes, but I didn't really find anybody to talk to and try to make friends with.

Lizzie had made friends so effortlessly yesterday. Why was I having such trouble?

What was wrong with me? Had I done something wrong, that everything was going so terribly?

When the final bell rang, I packed up all of my stuff and kept my head down as I bolted to my bus. I did not want to run into anybody on my way out of the school. Not Gordo, certainly not Kate, and not even Lizzie.

I went home. My vision swam from hunger, and I ate a low-fat yogurt that was exactly 100 calories. Then I sat down at my desk in my room doing homework until dinnertime. My mother came and forced me to come down to eat, and I pushed my food around on my plate until she demanded what was wrong with me. I told her that I wasn't feeling well (that was true, even though it was mentally rather than physically), and she sent me up to get some rest.

About an hour later, she knocked on my door and opened it a crack. I was lying in my bed, but I couldn't sleep.

"It's Miranda on the phone," Mom told me, "are you feeling well enough to go to the mall with Gordo and her?"

I thought about it for a moment. Of course I wasn't really sick, except for hunger. Lizzie could probably cheer me up, as long as she didn't bring any more new friends along.

I imagined Lizzie, Gordo and me walking through the mall. They would probably be holding hands and acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. Since, after all, that's what they were.

"No," I said, turning over and facing the wall. "No, sorry, I still feel sick."

My mother left.

At least, I reflected, lying in my bed still in the clothing I'd worn that day, I had only eaten a hundred calories that day. That was pretty good. No matter how bad my day had been, I still had that.

I sighed and rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't tired, but I couldn't think of anything to do that seemed the least bit appealing. So I just lied there in my bed for hours, and eventually I fell asleep. The end of another bad day.


	5. Intricacy

Title: Surviving Exile

Author: Anisky

Summary: Based on my little "Finding Solace" vignette. Lizzie and Miranda enter high school, and change isn't always good.

Rating: R: For cursing, eating disorders, drug use, and sexual/lesbian themes (I kinda think the drug use pushed it over the edge in this chapter).

Disclaimer: Miranda, Gordo, Lizzie, Kate, etc all, do not belong to me. They are the property of Disney Channel.

Reviews: Yes please. All flames will be put towards my annual campfire where I roast yummy marshmallows.

A/N: Ahh, we finally get to the action! Please read and review.

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Chapter 5: Intricacy

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I walked along beside Lizzie and Gordo, dragging my feet and falling a bit behind. It was two days later, a Friday evening, and I had agreed to hang out with them at the mall. I had met them only twenty minutes ago, and already I was feeling awkward.

Lizzie had been cheerful. "Miranda!" she had exclaimed, letting go of Gordo's hand to run over and hug me. "Finally! I missed you!"

"You've seen me every day in school," I said, still in a sour mood from my lousy week and trying to mask how my heart leapt when she hugged me. I tried to stay cheerful but it was hard in the face of four years of this sort of misery.

"Not for long," Lizzie pouted out with a pout, letting go of me and stepping back. "And I barely got to talk to you on Tuesday. Is everything okay?"

Sweet, friendly Lizzie was genuinely concerned. I glanced over at Gordo, who was avoiding my eyes. I hadn't spoken to him since that day in biology, and though he'd said that he wanted to talk to me, he hadn't made much of an effort.

Lizzie was my best friend, and so was Gordo, really, so of course I told them the truth.

"Things have been kind of rough," I admitted. "High school is… harder than I thought. I'm having trouble meeting people, and Kate's in all of my classes. She's been an absolute nightmare."

"Really?" Lizzie raised her eyebrows in surprise, and I was of course surprised that she was surprised.

"What, like this is news?" I'd asked with a laugh.

Lizzie and Gordo shared another look.

"Miranda…" Lizzie trailed off and looked at Gordo desperately for help.

Grudgingly, he'd looked at me and spoke. "Kate and us, we came to an… understanding, this summer in Rome. A truce."

I'd stared at them in shock. "A truce?" I asked numbly.

"Yeah," Lizzie said, forehead furrowed in confusion. "I can't believe she's been that bad to you. Are you sure--"

"Of course I'm _sure_!" I cried. I couldn't believe that I was hearing this. "She's been making fun of me nonstop in my classes, she's knocked into me and tortured me during lunch—I can't believe you guys are _friends _with her again!"

"Calm down, Miranda, we didn't know," Gordo told me. Lizzie looked close to tears.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think she'd do that, I'll talk to her…"

"It's okay," I mumbled, feeling bad that I'd made Lizzie feel so bad.

They both promised that they would talk to Kate, though I couldn't believe that it would do any good. We had looked at each other without knowing what to say for a few moments (why were all of my days filled start to finish with _awkwardness_ now that high school had started?), and had begun decided to start meandering around the mall.

And now, of course, here I was, dragging my feet behind them as they walked along hand in hand. They were still friendly with me, of course, because to them nothing had changed, really. But I felt so out of place. They were together and I felt like I was invading their date. They were adapting to this strange new world of high school and leaving me in the dust.

I stared at Lizzie's golden hair and felt sorry for myself.

"How do you do it?" I asked her later, earnestly, she and I were pawing our way through a clothing store while Gordo had retreated to the bookstore. "How do you meet people? At lunch people just sit with everybody they already know and there's no time in classes."

"Well everybody was new, so it was easy to meet people before school as long as they looked like freshmen," Lizzie said with a little giggle. "I've heard that clubs are a really good way to meet people, though. I'm joining the school newspaper, and a community service club, and yearbook, I think. You should do those with me! Or Glee Club or something, you were really good when you did that in middle school, remember?"

That was a thought. "As long as I stay away from theatre," I said with a giggle.

Lizzie laughed.

We met up with Gordo at the food court. Both of them got pizza, but I didn't get anything. Both of them looked concerned; they remembered what had happened in middle school.

"You're sure you're okay?" Lizzie asked me.

"I'm fine," I insisted. "I've already had dinner."

Lizzie looked at me suspiciously.

"I did!" I said again, irrationally annoyed that she did not believe me. Of course, I was lying, but the fact that my best friend didn't trust me still annoyed me.

I knew it didn't make sense, but I was too depressed from school (and maybe, I admitted in a tiny part of my brain, too dizzy from not having eaten) to bother being rational.

---

"Wow, you've got it bad, don't you?" I was hanging out with Jessie before classes a week later. Lizzie had just walked into the hallway, and I realized that I had been staring at her.

"What?" I asked, blushing and shifting, quickly taking my eyes off of my friend.

Jessie had already managed to follow my gaze, however. "That girl. The blonde chick. You're into her, aren't you?"

"Lizzie? What? Of course not!" I stammered. "No, no, Lizzie is my friend from middle school. My best friend. She's dating my other best friend, Gordo."

"Gordo, a guy?" Jessie asked.

"Yes, of course a guy!" I exclaimed.

Jessie snorted and looked at me in a maddeningly condescending way. "There's no _of course_ about it," she said. "You're in high school now, Miranda. You're going to see lesbian relationships. A couple gay couples, too, but more of them are in the closet. Guys don't have the luxury of being protected by straight male fantasies." She rolled her eyes.

"But, I mean,_ we_ aren't," I told her. "We're just friends."

"So you said. If she's your best friend, why doesn't she come over here?"

I looked over again. She was talking with a group of people I didn't know. Gordo wasn't with her, but I recognized the red haired girl I'd met last week. Chelsea.

"She just hasn't seen me," I said.

"Why don't you go over there?"

"Well, I'm hanging out with you."

Jessie laughed. "You're sweet, Miranda. Even if you are in denial."

I scowled. I was not!

"Anyway," she continued, "why don't you come over my place tonight? My parents are out, and the whole gang is getting together. Most of us from lunch, and a few of us who you don't know yet, too. It'll be fun."

"Sure, why not?" I shrugged. I gave her my phone number right as the warning bell rang.

My day went much as those before had. My teacher piled homework, I felt awkward and tried to figure out how to find more friends and failed, I tried not to think too much about what Jessie had said, and Kate was still a horrible bitch. I wondered whether or not Lizzie had talked to Kate yet, and what both of them had said. It wasn't a conversation that I could imagine.

I went home and did my homework and Lizzie called me and asked if I wanted to hang out with her and her new friends. I told her that I had plans but didn't tell her what. It never even occurred to me to invite her to spend time with Jessie, Joey and the others. The two worlds were just too different.

And though I felt bad admitting it, even to myself, I did feel a little ashamed of the "weirdoes" that I had fallen in with.

Jessie called me soon after to give me directions to her house. It was within walking distance, so I didn't need a ride. I decided to talk half an hour to finish my homework so that I wouldn't have to worry about it after I got home. I figured that Jessie and her friends would be there for a while. As soon as I was finished, I grabbed my purse and headed down the stairs.

"I'm going out, Mom," I stuck my head into the other room to tell her.

"Where?"

"To a friend's house."

"Whose?" she asked.

"A new friend. Her name is Jessie."

"With Lizzie?"

I sighed. "No, she's busy."

"What's this Jessie's phone number?" My mother demanded.

"I don't know," I told her.

"What if I need to get in contact with you?"

"If you bought me a cell phone," I started to say, but Mom cut me off.

"A cell phone? You are too young to have a cell phone," she told me.

"I'm in high school!" I argued.

"The answer is _no_, and that's final."

I sighed. "I'll be back later."

"Not so fast, young lady!" my mother exclaimed.

I wearily came back into the room. "What?" I asked her.

"What if I need to get in contact with you? If there's an emergency?"

"I'll call you from her house and give you the number," I told her.

She agreed, though she didn't look very happy about it. "Do it immediately when you get there," she instructed me, "and be home by ten o'clock."

I gaped. "Mom, that's way early! I—"

"You are fourteen, I am your mother, and you will be home at ten or you're not going out at all," she said severely.

I sighed. This was not an argument that I would win.

"And what about dinner?" she asked.

"I'm eating at Jessie's house," I said.

"You haven't been eating since halfway through the summer," my mother complained. "I don't like how thin you're getting."

"I've been eating plenty! Just not so much at home, that's all."

She sighed, and I left. It wasn't far to Jessie's house.

"Miranda, hi," Jessie greeted me. "Glad you could make it. C'mon." I quickly called my mother. Jessie led me upstairs to her room, where a group of people was gathered. It smelled smoky, but in a nice way, and I assumed that she had been burning incense.

I knew Joey, Eli, Will, and Cassie, but there were a guy and a girl who I didn't know. The guy was short and had dark hair and dressed in a similar style to the others, spiked hair and punk clothes. The girl had long, light red hair, and dark eyeliner.

"This is Derek, and Elena. Guys, this is Miranda. She's a freshman."

All of them, including Will, had stopped calling me "fresh meat." Thankfully it did not seem as though Derek or Elena wanted to do that.

"Hey," Will said casually. "Want some?" He held out something that I realized with a jolt was a joint.

"Um, no, thanks," I said. I was shocked. I was still in that innocent, rule abiding middle school student mindset. Drugs were bad and I couldn't imagine why anybody would do them.

"You sure?" he asked.

I steeled myself for the much-promised peer pressure as I repeated, "No, thanks."

But he just shrugged and passed it to Elena, who put it between her lips and inhaled deeply. The tip became brighter and burned more quickly. She held her breath and passed it to Cassie. After a moment, she let out her breath, full of smoke. It reminded me of a dragon. I watched, fascinated.

I don't know quite what I expected. For them to go insane, maybe, and start hallucinating. But they stayed surprisingly normal. They laughed a lot, and were a bit forgetful, and made a few odd statements, but it was much more minor than I had expected.

Still, it made me uncomfortable.

What they didn't tell me in middle school health class was that the pressure didn't usually come from people head-on telling you to do something. I just felt left out, odd for being sober in the midst of everybody being stoned. I knew that I could not go home high. I couldn't even imagine what my mother would do. Even grounding me for the rest of high school didn't seem severe enough for her.

So it was barely nine o'clock when I decided to leave. I don't even remember what excuse I gave, but it didn't matter, everybody was stoned enough that they didn't find it that odd.

But after the encounter with my mother I didn't want to go back home so early, so I just wandered around the neighborhood. It was nighttime, and the fall air was beginning to become chilly, especially as I was still halfway accustomed to the Mexican heat. I hugged myself and was along the road near the movie theatre when I saw her, getting out of the car.

At first glance I just saw the blonde hair and thought it was Lizzie, since my mind was still on her, but my heart sank when I saw on second glance that it was Kate. Damn it. I began to turn around, having no desire to run into her while I was alone at night.

But I paused when I realized the she had slammed the car door and was now walking away. It looked like she might be crying. To my surprise, whoever was in the car simply drove away instead of going after her. Unless Kate had moved, it was quite far away from her house.

_I don't care, _I told myself. _She's been making my life miserable. If she's left alone at night, it's just what she deserves. _

But when she walked into a nearby alley, I didn't know why, but I found myself following her.

She was sitting on the ground, leaning against a brick wall, crying and looking so crumpled that I couldn't believe it was Kate. I just stood there, staring, having no idea what to say.

She looked over and saw me. "What do you want?" she asked bitterly.

"Are you okay?" I found myself asking.

Kate tried to push away her tears. "Why do you care?" she asked, looking away.

I was asking myself the same thing. "I don't know."

"Then go away."

I have no idea why I didn't, but I couldn't just leave her there. "Do you have any way to get home?"

"What's wrong with you, Miranda?" Her voice using my real name sounded strange, though it was almost too tear choked to sound like her anyway. "I bet you're just relishing this, watching me cry in an alley."

It was strange, because I wanted to relish it, but for some reason I didn't. I didn't say anything.

"Fine, if you won't go, then I will." She stood up and turned away from me, stalking her way down the alley.

"Kate, wait!" I called, and ran after her. I grabbed her wrist.

"Don't touch me!" she shrieked, turning around and facing me with wild eyes. "Don't touch me, you freak!"

"Kate, calm _down_!" I told her. Why didn't I just leave her alone like she was telling me to? It would be so much easier. "How are you going to get home?"

"I'll walk," she said bleakly, turning away from me to hide her tears.

"Why don't you go somewhere and call to get someone to pick you up?"

Kate snorted. "Who?" she asked. "My parents are off in Europe, and my sister is out with friends. She won't be home for hours, if at all tonight."

She looked so bleak. So _human_.

Lizzie had seen something in her. Could there be more to Kate Sanders than met the eye?

"I'm sure she'd come pick you up if you called her," I said carefully.

She laughed the unhappiest laugh I'd ever heard. "Don't count on it."

I let out a breath, having no idea what to do. Kate had stopped crying, mostly, and was wiping her tears away. Both of us seemed at a loss for what to say. For some reason I couldn't leave her here, but I also didn't want to offer for her to come home with me.

"What happened?" I asked her. I didn't expect her to answer, but for some reason, she did.

"Fucking asshole," she muttered angrily. "He just wanted one thing from me."

My eyes went wide.

She looked over at me and smirked, but it was a far cry from her usual smirks. When she spoke her voice was quiet. "You're so _innocent_, Miranda, aren't you? Just like Lizzie."

No. I was not much like Lizzie. I didn't know why, or what had changed, but for some reason she and I were no longer like each other.

"Did she…" I trailed off.

"Ask me why I was being so mean to you at school? Yes, she did."

I couldn't help asking, now that Kate was acting human, like a real person who could feel and answer and didn't just exist to make my life a living hell. "_Why_?"

She looked up at me, but instead of answering asked me a question. "Why are you out here, alone, at night?"

She'd told me the truth, and I figured I might as well do the same. "My friends were all smoking pot, and I…" I trailed off.

"Not with Lizzie," she said.

"No," I agreed.

"And you refused, then left, didn't you?" She closed her eyes and continued before I could answer. "Yes. Of course you did. As I said: innocent."

I just stood there.

She looked at me. "You've lost weight," she said. "You're so thin."

I felt much too happy about her saying that, though I could not believe that it was true.

"Look at you," she whispered. She wrapped her fingers around my upper arm. I stared at her, stunned, so confused about what was happening. "You're a stick. It would take nothing at all to…"

She trailed off.

She smelled slightly like the room Jessie's room, slightly of alcohol. It suddenly occurred to me that _she_ had used drugs tonight. But why had she refused that boy, gotten so angry that she had left the car? I'd always heard that girls were more vulnerable to being taken advantage of when they got drunk or used drugs.

She was so close. She was all wrong—too tall, too curvy, to be Lizzie. But something about the night, and her blonde hair, and for a moment they melded in my mind.

It was the same moment that it happened. I don't know whether she leaned in or I did, but a moment later, we were kissing. I closed my eyes and saw Lizzie's face, though Kate tasted nothing like I imagined Lizzie might. Kate's mouth tasted of alcohol and strawberries and something else, I didn't know what.

We pulled back, both at the same time. She looked as shocked as I felt. She backed away from me, quickly, releasing my arm.

"Go away," she whispered in a choked voice. I backed away and then turned, stumbling down the alley in shock.

"Miranda!" she called after a few seconds. I turned, so unsure, still close enough to still see her clearly by the grimy street light.

"What?" I asked dumbly.

"If you tell anybody," she told me, looking me straight in the eye, "I will kill you."

I believed her.


End file.
